It has been just over a month since my mother transitioned from this life. I have a huge hole in my heart.
As much as I thought I was prepared for her passing, I was not. I am not sad for her since she was in a dementia haze much of her days. She couldn’t walk, and for almost 12 months she couldn’t eat or drink anything that wasn’t specially nectar thickened. If she were more aware, she would have hated her circumstances. So yes, happy for her, but still a huge hole, not only in my heart, but my whole being. Since her passing and an incident that occurred, I have been the most depressed of my life.
I didn’t realize it for a while because depression is something I have seldom experienced in my life. It took a while to understand what was happening.
This has been a time when sadness has overcome me. I’ve also been experiencing anger, disbelief, and confusion to name a few of the emotions.
I have broken down and cried so many times – yes the ugly cry! Sometimes for hours.
I have been feeling rudderless, like I have no direction, that my out-of-control boat is just going in circles.
During this period of depression, I couldn’t seem to focus on most things, even reading which is one of my favorite things to do.
So, what did I do? I watched TV of course!
I love a TV series that was on in the late 80’s early 90’s called China Beach. It’s set in the Vietnam War and it’s told from the perspective of women in the war, mostly nurses. I had not been able to find it streaming anywhere, so a few months ago I bought the entire box set of the series (DVD).
I had watched a few episodes of the first season here and there, but during the time after returning home from mom’s passing and funeral, I became obsessed with sitting and watching episode after episode.
It wasn’t until the last season of the series that I realized why I “had” to watch it all “now”. So beautifully written and portrayed.
During the very last episode the core members of China Beach were in the future by 20 years or so after they had left Vietnam. During a reunion they all made a pilgrimage to the Vietnam Memorial Wall in Washington DC.
During this episode a song began playing and as I listened, I was once again broken. Yep, I did the ugly cry yet again
I had to stop the recording and sit and cry until I could go back and finish the episode.
The song you ask? “I Can Let Go” by Michael McDonald. Here is a link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNTL1Palu1U
If you listen to it, your mind may go to a romantic breakup. But when watching the episode of China Beach there are so many meanings to the song.
When I first heard the song, I immediately knew a message, a gift, had just been given to me. I was struck by how much I needed to let go of.
To let go of hurts, including generational wounding, disbelief of occurrences that have crushed me, people in my life, and trying to help others who make it abundantly clear I’m not wanted. These are but a few of the realizations of things I’ve needed to let go and the events of the last several years that led to this bout of depression.
Of course, not letting go of my mom, she will always be with me, just like my father is always with me. (My father transitioned 25 years ago).
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I am so humbled and grateful I received the message my Higher Power was sending to me.
I could have easily heard the song and thought how beautiful and meaningful for the end of the television series.
However, because I have sent years in meditation, becoming more mindful, learning to trust my gut feelings, asking for clarity, becoming more open to the field of all possibilities, listening, and trusting I was able to hear the message the song was presenting to me and the wonderful gift bestowed to me.
The gifting of letting go.
A message may come in many ways and in many forms: thinking of someone and your phone rings and its them, or “something” tells you to check on someone only to find out they have been injured. The same “something” may tell you to wander off the main hiking trail and you find the most incredible waterfall and the perfect rock to sit, get quiet, and become one with nature.
This time a message came to me through compulsively watching a television series in order to get to the final episode to hear a song that broke me wide open to understanding…just want I needed.
I have been at the receiving end of synchronicities so many times and without question, watching China Beach was one of those times.
I will be writing more on synchronicities in a later blog, but I will leave you with what Carlos Castaneda calls this receiving… “the path with heart.”
The path with heart. I love that.
I received, I heard, and I have taken action. I am following my path with heart.
I am no longer in the state of depression that is so unfamiliar to me.
I am in a state of transformation, in a state of letting go of that which doesn’t serve me. I’m in a state of gratitude and in a state of love.
I am reminded of one of my favorite poems by Safire Rose
She Let Go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
Through a synchronistic event, like a leaf falling from a tree, I let go…..